He did whaaaaat?

Happy belated President’s Day, beautiful babies and gentlemen. I have some festive words for you to ponder: We hold these truths to be self-evident! When Thomas Jefferson committed these eight words to paper* (Parchment? Stone?) in 1776, who is to say what he intended them to mean? Historians? People that read books? Not being a “historian” or a “person that paid attention in school” myself, I don’t know. I speculate it was something about how rad it was to wear a wig, or how dead-sexy a good pair of knickerbockers and a puffy pirate shirt looked together. If I were to take those words under my wing and explain to you what they mean to me, what “truths” would I hold to be “self-evident?” They are as follows:

1. Crab meat could only smell more repulsive to me if it were served inside a full Diaper Genie. It may even smell the same in this setting! I’ve never tried this serving style as I am horrified by the thought of eating the heated insides of giant mutant bugs that smell like your grandmother’s farts.
2. All people named Ethel are currently dead or dying, if only on the inside.
3. “Taco cat” is one of the coolest palindromes, because I like both tacos and cats, and it also seems to mean something to do with the hoo haw.
4. Monkeys and apes are scary.

In the spirit of ham-fisted segues, let’s explore that last point. It’s true! Monkeys/apes are not only scary, but dirty, wily, sneaky, angry, and wholly unpredictable. Case in point: one time at the local zoo (against my better judgment) I stopped to look at the spider monkeys. They were in an outdoor habitat, not one of those dreadful indoor affairs, and the floor of their publicly-displayed prison was hard-packed dirt. As I looked upon them, my lip unconsciously curling in disgust twinged with terror, I noticed one looking at me. I mean, this thing was looking RIGHT AT ME. Never breaking its baleful gaze, it appeared to be whiling away its time by dragging its pale, wormlike penis around on the soil with one of its horrible paws. It wasn’t a half-assed drag, either – this little dude was really “going to town” as they say, grinding his dirty monkey dong into the heat-baked dirt. I fought a surge of rising bile and tried to take my eyes away from his. Finally I did! Had I not broken its gaze, who is to say what would have happened? Forcing its way through the cage and ripping a hole in my throat (with its unoccupied paw)? Maybe. Probably. Moral of the story is never make wishes on monkey paws because when still attached to monkeys they are mostly used to push their junk into the dirt and move poop around. As a result, your wishes may come true, but there will be a horrible twist!

Exhibit B in the “Monkeys/apes are scary” testimony? Consider this article published on CNN dot com today:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/02/17/chimp.attack/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

I get all of my current monkey attack news from the Cable News Network for 2 reasons: my work’s firewall doesn’t block the site, and they have commercials voiced by Darth fucking Vader. Represent.

For those folks too wrapped up in reading this or too lazy to leave the page to read yet more words, allow me to summarize: a chimpanzee totally went apeshit (you’re welcome, pun haters) on a woman, “and began biting and mauling her, causing serious injuries to her face, neck and hands” and had to be stabbed, beat with a fucking shovel, and finally shot before its awful train wreck of carnage could be stopped. Since when are chimps like Jason Voorhees, anyway? Since FOREVER. Learn this and be safe.

One thing I was particularly amazed at in this CNN article was the following older item they mentioned almost casually:

“In 2005, a different chimp escaped from California’s Animal Haven Ranch and chewed off a man’s nose and genitals.”

No further reference was made to any details of this event, and correct me if I’m wrong here, but a chimpanzee CHEWING OFF A MAN’S GENITALS seems like some pretty extreme shit. This is like the X Games/Mountain Dew commercial of monkey attacks. Perplexed, and fearful for my junk, I researched to find the details of this ball-biting incident.

It turns out that the chimp did not bite off the man’s genitals. Before you finish exhaling that sigh of relief, allow me to clarify: the chimp TORE off the fellow’s testicles. Like, with its monkey paws. Tore. In addition to that, it did in fact eat his nose and most of one of his ears. And gouged one of his eyes out. It also ate most of the man’s wife’s thumb. Bedtime for Bonzo this ain’t.

In closing, I leave you with some mostly not safe for work words on the monkey topic from none other than Dave Chappelle:

*Don’t be a knob and correct me about who wrote that line on the declaration, or I will edit Wikipedia to make you wrong and me right. Fact.