This is the last thing I’ll ever write as a 30 year-old. And it’s going to be about a guy that looks like this:

Hey man, what’s your name again?

Mr. CooL ICE. I think the capped L at the end of CooL is somehow necessary, like he would have had to especially request that - “Make the L big! No, keep the o’s small. Now make some awful skulls! Hey, how much for a bikini top on the back of my head?”

That thing does look like a tiny bikini top to me, but given the general artistic tone of his ink work (and by “artistic tone,” I mean things Middle School boys - and the girls who play softball - draw in their notebooks during class) I would have to say they’re sunglasses. On the back of his bald-ass head. Maybe I’m completely wrong and it’s actually the silhouette of a phone handset. Or a travel sleep mask thing. I don’t know! What I do know is he was probably super pissed when he saw that the L on his back “CooL” wasn’t capitalized. Look closely at that poor sonofabitch getting tattooed in the lower right corner - “All right, I get it - you’re fucking Mr. CooL ICE. Please stop flexing at me?”

To make this a bit easier for me to type about, Mr. CooL ICE will henceforth be referred to as MCI. It saves on typing, and now someone might have to be exposed to this douchebag’s tattoo menagerie when they’re Googling for cheaper long distance telephone service. If you’re one of those people, please join us in the year 2001 and get a cellular, but before that let’s talk about MCI the *man*. I really like to imagine that MCI kept insisting that his circle of friends stop calling him by his actual given name, and was all “Guys, I told you - it’s mister coo capital ell ice,” frowning as he spoke. But of course they were still all “Ok, whatever. We understand. Thomas,” and then he snapped one day and had the tattoo work done. That’ll show ‘em! MCI doesn’t take kindly to people calling him motherfucking Thomas. No sir. They just need a reminder. Everyone just needs a reminder.

As it turns out, the guy is actually German. From Germany. Like, doesn’t even speak-a the English. Much to my dismay, this news came to me as the result of a video of MCI himself on some weird German talk show. Somehow, it was way better when I thought he was one of my fellow countrymen, likely a Bush voter that was probably excited about going to the knife show at the county fairgrounds. I really had a vision for who MCI was, and it all went down the tubes when I realized he was German. When you think about it, Germans aren’t really known for having good taste in things - they masturbate to videos of folks pooping on each other, for example. I like to refer to all scat video actors and actresses as “folks,” because that’s all they are! Just folks like you and I. Covered in another person (or many people’s) fresh shit.

I’m going to be 31 tomorrow.