Have you ever thought that you had a great idea for an invention? I know I have - it would be red. It would probably have some chrome on it, and a light that you coulda swore
just blinked. Or blunk, if you’re into using weird versions of words
when you’re unsure of the "proper" past-tense version of said word. Too
few people use the word "shat" nowadays. I blame our dependence on prescription drugs. Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger is still crazy? I sure did! For that, I blame his freakish skeleton of a wife. Turns out that Arnold has developed a rather aggressive way of dealing with stray animals - to slay them - in 3 days or less. "Lesser" animals, he proposed, (birds, hamsters, potbellied pigs, rabbits, snakes and turtles and other small, cute things) would be killed IMMEDIATELY upon capture. For animals like chinchillas and meerkats,
he would personally kill the beast by holding it against a wall,
stabbing it with a large knife thusly pinning it to said wall, and
saying something clever like "Stick around." Then he’d light a cigar
off the explosions and kiss a baby. (I realize this makes no sense, but
I have this absurd fantasy that Arnie’s life is like an action movie.
It just makes him holding political office make more sense to me.)
So this little turd of an idea (the efficient disposal of lesser
animals on a RIGHT AWAY kinda timeframe - focus!) was posted on CNN
Friday morning. By Friday evening, lo and behold, Arnold had released another statement that essentially said his earlier, crazy-animal-killing idea… was just a "mistake."
He never meant to say it. Sounds plausible. It turns out that people’s
reactions to the plan ranged from "That’s crazy" to "That’s totally
fuckin’ crazy." Go figure. So that’s where we stand. And… people of
California… (and the world, this affects all of us) I implore you to
ponder: Arnold has been in office since Wednesday, October 8, 2003. Why the fuck hasn’t that good-for-nothing fat bastard FOUND FUCKING SARAH CONNOR yet? Our future depends on this, and he’s too worried about killing little animals faster. Well, that and smearing mud on himself so that scary skeleton wife of his can’t see his infrared patterns, and thus cannot hurt his sensitive ears with the constant rumbling of her malnourished belly.

Speaking
of Sarah Connor and all things Terminator-ish, software on a NASA
spacecraft recently made a scientific observation on its own without
human interaction. That’s right, baby! Skynet has become self aware! Head for the bomb shelter - and bring something to keep you occupied until you win the bid on that time machine, and you can save humanity - that jackass Schwarzenegger certainly won’t!

As an afterthought, I feel compelled to share this with you (found on ABCnews.com):

"ABCNEWS
obtained a copy of an unpublished book proposal with quotes from a
verbatim transcript of an interview Schwarzenegger gave in 1975 while
making the film Pumping Iron.

Asked who his heroes are, he
answered, "I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a
little man with almost no formal education, up to power. I admire him
for being such a good public speaker and for what he did with it."

He
is quoted as saying he wished he could have an experience, "like Hitler
in the Nuremberg stadium. And have all those people scream at you and
just being total agreement whatever you say."

Too fucking crazy to believe? Check out the article HERE. Explains a lot.

So, would it be "creepy" if a 37 year-old "man" started a website that
was counting down the days, hours, and minutes left until Emma Watson (the actress that potrays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter
films) becomes "legally bangable?" Fuck yeah it would! But could it
happen? Fuck yeah it could! Click on the picture of the (one would
assume) chronically masturbating gent to check out his "countdown
website."

A few things to keep in mind:

• One - Emma Watson is 14.
• Two - Some people are pretty creepy.
• Three - I’m pretty sure this is a hoax, but if you "pretend" it’s "not," then it’s "pretty creepy."
• Four - I "enjoy" the "ambiguity" of a quoted "word."
• Five - Lemurs.
  

EDIT:

• So yeah, that photo originally ran in an article published by The Onion. The archived version can be found HERE

The
diabolical plan: put out this stuff called New Coke, stop making Old
Coke, which at the time was just known as Coke, or "pop." ("Soda," to
people outside the state of Michigan.
Fuck those people outside the state of Michigan - I throw Canadian
change at them when I see them and yell, "This is how we play it in Mittenland, bitch! Now get me a Faygo!")
Where was I? Oh yeah, bring out New Coke, stop making Old Coke. Let
this slide for a couple months to much public outcry that New Coke
"sucks," or that it "tastes like donkey piss." Bring back Old Coke
acting like you’re responding to the public’s outcry, when in fact all
you were doing is waiting to drum up a huge public demand for it
(Americans ALWAYS want what they can’t have) and repackaging it in
bottles that now say "Coca-Cola Classic." Make millions. Fuck interns
and take photos. Open a Coca-Cola themed store-thing in Las Vegas.
(Thanks and apologies to Shannon - I had so much fun writing this to you, I had to share.)