He did whaaaaat?

Happy belated President’s Day, beautiful babies and gentlemen. I have some festive words for you to ponder: We hold these truths to be self-evident! When Thomas Jefferson committed these eight words to paper* (Parchment? Stone?) in 1776, who is to say what he intended them to mean? Historians? People that read books? Not being a “historian” or a “person that paid attention in school” myself, I don’t know. I speculate it was something about how rad it was to wear a wig, or how dead-sexy a good pair of knickerbockers and a puffy pirate shirt looked together. If I were to take those words under my wing and explain to you what they mean to me, what “truths” would I hold to be “self-evident?” They are as follows:
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This is the last thing I’ll ever write as a 30 year-old. And it’s going to be about a guy that looks like this:

Hey man, what’s your name again?

Mr. CooL ICE. I think the capped L at the end of CooL is somehow necessary, like he would have had to especially request that - “Make the L big! No, keep the o’s small. Now make some awful skulls! Hey, how much for a bikini top on the back of my head?”

That thing does look like a tiny bikini top to me, but given the general artistic tone of his ink work (and by “artistic tone,” I mean things Middle School boys - and the girls who play softball - draw in their notebooks during class) I would have to say they’re sunglasses. On the back of his bald-ass head. Maybe I’m completely wrong and it’s actually the silhouette of a phone handset. Or a travel sleep mask thing. I don’t know! What I do know is he was probably super pissed when he saw that the L on his back “CooL” wasn’t capitalized. Look closely at that poor sonofabitch getting tattooed in the lower right corner - “All right, I get it - you’re fucking Mr. CooL ICE. Please stop flexing at me?”
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For the record, the correct answer to this question is only 6 words long:

“Because those people are fucking stupid.“

Was that Slater holding the microphone?